Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark TwainThere are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. - Mark Twain
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain
Always do right; this will gratify some and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain
It is easier to stay out than get out. - Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. - Mark Twain
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. - Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain
To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. - Mark Twain
We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency. - Mark Twain
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. - Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled. - Mark Twain
Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. - Mark Twain
When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one. - Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog. - Mark Twain
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. - Mark Twain
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. - Mark Twain
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. - Mark Twain
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. - Mark Twain
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. - Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times. - Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. - Mark Twain
It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all. - Mark Twain
The report of my death was an exaggeration. - Mark Twain
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. - Mark Twain
Buy land. They've stopped making it. - Mark TwainOf all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Mark Twain
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. - Mark Twain
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. - Mark Twain
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. - Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. - Mark Twain
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. - Mark Twain
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. - Mark Twain
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again. - Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up. - Mark Twain
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain
Put all your eggs in one basket, and watch that basket! - Mark Twain
All generalizations are false, including this one. - Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. - Mark Twain
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. - Mark Twain
Classic... A book which people praise and don't read. - Mark Twain
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. - Mark Twain
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. - Mark Twain
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. - Mark Twain
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later. - Mark Twain
When in doubt, tell the truth. - Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. - Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. - Mark Twain
The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. - Mark Twain
If you have nothing to say, say nothing. - Mark Twain
I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not. - Mark Twain
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